OK so its the last day of my vacation. I have been away from work for two weeks, well physically from work anyway. I did have to check my e-mail once a day, if nothing else just to stay in the loop and so I wouldn't have 100's of e-mails to go through on Monday. I have done some writing over vacation but mostly socializing and shooting lots of zombies.
Watched the Dr Who Christmas special, played around on my PS3 , but mostly shot zombies. Yes a friend of mine got me my new addiction Left 4 Dead. I have always had a certain special place for zombies. I don't know why just have. I have watched many a zombie movie in my day and I prefer them over vampire or other monster horror flicks. Not to say I won't watch those but if given the choice the undead win. So someone came out with a co-op based first person shooter where the whole goal is to get from point A to point B and so on and shoot massive amounts of Zombies. You can play with computer characters but it is more fun to play with three other humans. I have played many hours of this game and it still has not gotten old for me. Maybe its because I have always dreamed about being in a zombie film or making them. Until that time this is a good substitute. Now mind you it took me awhile to get over the fact these zombies run and run fast. But it would not be nearly as an intense and fun game if they were Romero Zombies. I love the schleping Romero Zombies and always will which I give the extra appeal of shooting running zombies, never considered them true zombies.
I have had many debates and in the end we chalk it up to different species of zombies and this I except. Just like there are pure blood vampires and turned vampires.
Now there have been other games that have tried and have had some success capturing the zombie movie feel. Most classic example is the resident evil series. Left 4 Dead takes it up a notch from this series. For one it puts you in first person and two it just looks like a zombie film all around. from the musice to the environments. Definitely recommended and definitely needs to be played with other friends but the AI will do too.
So that was my vacation and it was better than expected. Granted I didn't get nearly as much done as I would have liked but do we ever.
I also watched movies.
Lets talk about
Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
This wonderful work of cinema is brought to us by Troma Video. Yes the toxic avenger company. Lloyd Kaufman directs this chicken zombie musical love story about a fast food chicken resturaunt built on top of an old indian burial ground. Course the spirits are pissed and rather that move furniture and talk to a little girl through TV static the spirits decide to inhabit the bodies of the chickens used at the resturant. Anyone who eats the chicken becomes chicken zombies. There is a romance between our hero, a nerdy white guy, and his on/off girlfriend who became a lesbian while the guy was off to college.
Whats great about a film like this is that they know exactly what type of film they are making. The cast all seems to have a great time with the movie. Being an direct to video release they also are not under the constraints of the MPAA so the are alot of crude humor including a zombie chicken person with a large zombie chicken penis.
This movie is definitely for the Gore whore as there is a large body count and plenty of blood splatter. There are also many offensive jokes against native americans, blacks, gays, and nerdy white guys.
The main female character played by new comer Kate Graham is hot and has no problems with doing a nude scene (come on a b-horror movie without nudity is like a pop tart with no filling). She also has a great singing voice and seems to be the only one out of all the cast who actually is trying to act. Probably sincei t is her first acting gig. Look also for a cameo by the director himself and also a cameo by the famous Ron Jeremy, sorry ladies he stays fully clothed in the film).
So to spare you the horror of watching the film I will give you the run down the best I can on the nude scenes and body count. Here we go:
13 breast shots including Musical number with 8 topless women
1 penis shot
1 death by zombie hand through the ass
1 extreme diarea shit covered walls scene
1 death by meat grinder
1 Severed penis
1 death while having sex with zombie chicken carcass
1 death by turning into Zombie chicken egg
2 Beheadings
2 death by disembowling
1 face ripped off
1 death by face through deli meat slicer
1 death by fry vat
1 set of deep fried testicles
1 death by wish bone treatment
1 death by chicken nuggets
multiple zombie deaths
SO if your looking to get your fill of zombies and gore but your significant other is looking for a romantic musical, why not rent this film and get both. It gets the 3 severed heads rating.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Start of a New Year: Fae'th Friday
Well it 2009 and the begining of the New Year. Speaking of begining I am going to start trying my damnedest to post something everyday. In order to help with this I am going to have themed days. Today marks the first of those days.
I have always loved to create things, part of the reason I love doing video work so much. One of these ways I like to create is to write. I can say I dabble in writing in that I do not do it as a profession, though it would be nice, and I have not gotten my self in the discipline of writing everyday. I know a published writer or two and i can only hope to one day reach their level once before I pass away.
Of the course of the years in this dabbling I have come up with a series of fantasy stories set in a World called Fae'th. The world is one I hope can establish its own identity. There are many many influences that went into this world including influences from my published friends. You will probably find a lot of similarities in the world, if you choose to read the story, with many other fantasy elements. I am not trying to rip off but more honor some of these great fantastical elements.
I am also a Doctor Who fan, not as devoute to some, but a big fan none the less. I wanted to write a Doctor Who story for awhile and finally the insipiration came too me. A Fae'th and Dr Who crossover. This story will play a part in the Cannon of Fae'th, you'll see, if you continue to read said stories. I shall stop babbling. I hope you enjoy and of course Constructive feedback or even praise should you feel it is deserved. I will post 2-3 pages or so every friday. Possibly other days as well but Friday for sure. ALso this is still rough, hence the encouragement for feed back.
Things to note: The Doctor and his Companion are from the fan fiction stories written by a good friend of mine Steve Wolterstorff. Also my Grammar bites.
I have always loved to create things, part of the reason I love doing video work so much. One of these ways I like to create is to write. I can say I dabble in writing in that I do not do it as a profession, though it would be nice, and I have not gotten my self in the discipline of writing everyday. I know a published writer or two and i can only hope to one day reach their level once before I pass away.
Of the course of the years in this dabbling I have come up with a series of fantasy stories set in a World called Fae'th. The world is one I hope can establish its own identity. There are many many influences that went into this world including influences from my published friends. You will probably find a lot of similarities in the world, if you choose to read the story, with many other fantasy elements. I am not trying to rip off but more honor some of these great fantastical elements.
I am also a Doctor Who fan, not as devoute to some, but a big fan none the less. I wanted to write a Doctor Who story for awhile and finally the insipiration came too me. A Fae'th and Dr Who crossover. This story will play a part in the Cannon of Fae'th, you'll see, if you continue to read said stories. I shall stop babbling. I hope you enjoy and of course Constructive feedback or even praise should you feel it is deserved. I will post 2-3 pages or so every friday. Possibly other days as well but Friday for sure. ALso this is still rough, hence the encouragement for feed back.
Things to note: The Doctor and his Companion are from the fan fiction stories written by a good friend of mine Steve Wolterstorff. Also my Grammar bites.
"Fae'th In Time"
by Mark Krawczyk
by Mark Krawczyk
She watched him, as she had done many times, work the controls of the TARDIS like a conductor directed an orchestra. He moved around the hexagonal saucer shaped control panel with such familiarity that it was almost like an extension of himself. Julie had managed to find a love seat while exploring one of the many storage rooms of the TARDIS and the Doctor said he did not mind if she tried it out as long as it did not get in his way. She had found a perfect place in one of the corners of the large console room to put it. As she stretched out on the love seat she yawned and continued to watch the Doctor at work.
The up and down movement of the cylindrical Time Rotor in the center of the console had a very hypnotic affect on her and she knew if she continued to watch she would eventually fall asleep. She decided to turn back to the paper they had picked up from their last visit to earth. It was an early issue of the National Inquirer and Julie found it quite amusing.
“Listen to this, A man was found in
“And who says romance is dead.” The Doctor quipped.
“Oh please now that’s …..waaaaH”
Julie fell off her love seat as the TARDIS seemed to come to a very abrupt halt and in the next moment felt as if it was falling. The console had managed to stop the Doctor from falling to the ground and he frantically tried to bring the TARDIS back under his control. The TARDIS stopped with a thud as abruptly as it had started its apparent descent. Julie picked her self off the floor and dusted off her jeans.
“What was that Doctor?”
The Doctor at first didn’t respond but instead turned dials and muttered under his breath. It was a few seconds before the Doctor responded, like the question had to travel a great distance before it reached his ears.
“It appears that we fell through a temporary hole in time/space and have landed on a planet.”
“A planet? Do you know which one?”
“No I do not and at the moment neither does the TARDIS. That never happens. Hmmm I wonder if there is problem with her mem…” the Doctor’s comments trailed off as he dove under the console and removed a panel. Julie meanwhile pressed one of the few buttons she was familiar with on the TARDIS control panel, it was the view screen button.
A small square part of one of the TARDIS walls slid down to reveal a video image of what was outside of the TARDIS. From what Julie could tell, the TARDIS had landed in the middle of a field and in the distance she could see small buildings that looked as if they were from mid-evil earth.
“Doctor take a look at this. It looks like earth”
The Doctor stood up continuing a conversation he had started with himself while under the panel, “…well whatever it was scrambled her space/time orientation system. No worries it will be back aligned in a few moments, I am sorry what were you saying?”
“We are on mid-evil earth or someplace like it. Can we take look around?” Julie’s eyes seem to fill with light as she asked the question. The doctor scratched his sideburns for moment before he answered.
“Well I don’t see why not. Give the TARDIS a rest while she sorts things out, besides I would like to find out what caused the hole.” The Doctor went to grab his tan trench coat from off a coat rack near the door, he never went exploring without it. He then made a motion to grab something off the hook that was next to the one his jacket had been on but there was nothing on it. I miss my hat he thought to himself and then shook it from his head. Julie opened the door and headed out with the Doctor right behind.
The TARDIS from the outside looked like a police box from the 50’s. You could not tell that it held much more than a phone and a compartment for a person to stand in. It always seemed out of place wherever and whenever it landed, even when it would land in the 1950’s. At the same time, the TARDIS also seemed familiar enough that most people rarely questioned its reason for being there.
“DOCTORR HELP!!!”
The Doctor saw Julie being hauled off over the shoulder of a very large Humanoid creature. It was 7 feet tall and all muscle. Its pasty white hairless skin stood out against the dark brown leather armor the beast wore. There was a large sheathed broadsword slung across the beast’s back and throwing axe hung from a thick leather belt. Julie pounded on its back while she yelled at it.
“JULIE!” The Doctor yelled back as he made to run after her. He did not go anywhere for his arms were immediately grabbed by a pair of large hands. Two more of the humanoid brutes stood next to the Doctor, one on each side, and held him in place. He looked up and got a better look at the face of his captors.
The brutes looked almost exactly alike in their features. They had no facial hair and their eyes look like white marbles with a large red dot in the middle of them. Their pointy crooked ears stuck out from the sides of their head as if they had just been tossed on for the sake of having them. Their sharp pointy teeth stuck out on an angle from their jaw , making it look like they had a boxer’s mouth piece inside their mouth when their lips were closed. The two brutes that restrained the doctor only had a short sword strapped to each of their hips and he suspected they were of lesser rank. One of them made some low guttural noise followed by a click and what could be best describe as a coughing sound. The other made a different pattern of noises which the Doctor could not understand. The Doctor regained his composure though his muscles were still tensed, ready to go after Julie as soon as he could break free. The brute on the Doctor’s right pulled out his sword and pointed its tip at the Doctor’s throat.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The pen is mightier than the PC
At my second job they have really tightened down the rules on PC use. You can't even remotely show evidence that you may be working on something not work related between calls. There are days when it is slow and after I get tired of staring at the catalog forever I get the itch to write, mostly because there is not much else to do at the time. So I go old skool and bring a notebook with me. When it is a slow time I write a few sentences or so... by the end of the night I may actually have a page or two written even. Now granted I am using an Analog writing tool...the pen and paper versus the computer but I have found recently that I seem to get more into the writing when using the forging tool and a piece of dead tree.
Now I am sure this will sound totally freaky but writing seems more intimate when using a pen or pencil and paper. I feel a closer connection to the material in some way. MY hand writing is aweful as anyone who know me will attest to but I can read it which is most important since I am the one that will eventually transfer it to its digital form.
Sitting at a table pouring out my creation through the pen, I feel the project is more personable. It feels more like an extension of my self, organic I guess would be a better term.
Although it is a hell of alot messier I also think I write better with a pen and paper than initially typing it up in the computer. Perhaps its the few distractions I have, but also I think its just the feeling of closeness to what I am spilling out on to the paper.
I think sometimes we get so use to having the technology there that we forget what it feels like to do something the old fashion way. But sometimes the old ways are still the best ways.
Now I am sure this will sound totally freaky but writing seems more intimate when using a pen or pencil and paper. I feel a closer connection to the material in some way. MY hand writing is aweful as anyone who know me will attest to but I can read it which is most important since I am the one that will eventually transfer it to its digital form.
Sitting at a table pouring out my creation through the pen, I feel the project is more personable. It feels more like an extension of my self, organic I guess would be a better term.
Although it is a hell of alot messier I also think I write better with a pen and paper than initially typing it up in the computer. Perhaps its the few distractions I have, but also I think its just the feeling of closeness to what I am spilling out on to the paper.
I think sometimes we get so use to having the technology there that we forget what it feels like to do something the old fashion way. But sometimes the old ways are still the best ways.
Monday, December 1, 2008
This and that....
Not much to talk about I guess. I made some progress in writing my Fae'th in time story in between my order taking at my second job. Got over a block that has plagued me for quite sometime. So thats a plus. Had a decent holiday, ate a lot and schleped alot. Still cheering for my packers ...I would even if they were winless...why cause I am a devout fan. I don't believe in rejecting my team even when they are really playing like crud, at least on special teams and defense. Of course in their defense they do have 19 guys on the injury list. At least they got rid of the Punter. I don't know why they picked him up in the first place. I think he was working for the opposing team...whoever they were on a particular week. Do I think we would have won more games if they had kept the might Farve at bat. Not sure. Maybe one or two games but its hard to say. There are two sides to a team and even if one play super special...if the other half ...in this case the Defense...can't help finish the game then it doesn't matter who is leading the offense. But then what do I know. I just an arm chair coach.
Moving on lets see what is on the chopping block tonight...ah yes
The Devils Plaything
Ah yes if there was a movie that summed up sexploitation well it would be this film. Course it was written and directed by one of the pioneers of the this style of movie. It is put in the category of horror but soft core porn would be more fitting. Its a movie that would be played on Midnights on Skinemax...I mean Cinemax , not that I ever would watch cinemax at this time of night as a teen. anyway this movie has it all Breasts, vampires, lesbian vampires, breasts, mild incest themes, did I mention breasts. The acting is okay but you get the feeling that the writer/director had tried his hardest , pardon the pun, to have four hot women naked for most of a movie. The plot of a lesbian vampire trying to come back from the grave with the help of her servants while interesting and has potential ended up being an excuse to show hot naked women ...alot. The whole incestual sub plot was an interesting twist so far as I did not see it coming. Like many movies of this type from that era there is a lot of jumping around in the editing that makes it hard at times to keep the characters straight and what is happening. Many of scenes do not have anything said or done in them that would naturally explain the scene after. Now the entire film is not like this but a good half of it is. I understand that there are budget and time restraints but even tossing a line in saying...hey lets go explore the woods would be helpful, rather than having people talk about dinner in one scene and suddenly boom we are in the woods. There was also a random shot of a Candle shaped penis that looked a little too realistic.
Anyway if your looking for a movie about a naked lesbian vampire controling naked women and making them get off is hot then Devils Plaything is for you: the run down.
1 - title breast shot
many many breast shots
1 sex scene in a stable
4 full frontal nude scenes
1 Penis candle
2 female masturbation scenes
1 Bats remove a womans clothes
Did I mention breast shots
Moving on lets see what is on the chopping block tonight...ah yes
The Devils Plaything
Ah yes if there was a movie that summed up sexploitation well it would be this film. Course it was written and directed by one of the pioneers of the this style of movie. It is put in the category of horror but soft core porn would be more fitting. Its a movie that would be played on Midnights on Skinemax...I mean Cinemax , not that I ever would watch cinemax at this time of night as a teen. anyway this movie has it all Breasts, vampires, lesbian vampires, breasts, mild incest themes, did I mention breasts. The acting is okay but you get the feeling that the writer/director had tried his hardest , pardon the pun, to have four hot women naked for most of a movie. The plot of a lesbian vampire trying to come back from the grave with the help of her servants while interesting and has potential ended up being an excuse to show hot naked women ...alot. The whole incestual sub plot was an interesting twist so far as I did not see it coming. Like many movies of this type from that era there is a lot of jumping around in the editing that makes it hard at times to keep the characters straight and what is happening. Many of scenes do not have anything said or done in them that would naturally explain the scene after. Now the entire film is not like this but a good half of it is. I understand that there are budget and time restraints but even tossing a line in saying...hey lets go explore the woods would be helpful, rather than having people talk about dinner in one scene and suddenly boom we are in the woods. There was also a random shot of a Candle shaped penis that looked a little too realistic.
Anyway if your looking for a movie about a naked lesbian vampire controling naked women and making them get off is hot then Devils Plaything is for you: the run down.
1 - title breast shot
many many breast shots
1 sex scene in a stable
4 full frontal nude scenes
1 Penis candle
2 female masturbation scenes
1 Bats remove a womans clothes
Did I mention breast shots
Friday, November 28, 2008
Hmmm what to do
In my vein attempt to be very productive in the completion of projects that are victims of my creativity, or lack there of, I find my self wanting to work on them all yet finishing none. While I have completed more video projects in the last month than the previous 6 months before that, I find still in a state of wandering. So in an attempt to keep writing and also follow my timely friend's advice of write something everyday, I am going to start posting pages from one of the many stories I am working on here. But in this decision I am also torn. Which story to post. My "Fae'th In Time" story has been more recently worked on and is also a project that seems to have start flowing smoothly again. I also have a sci fi story of a completely different nature that is actually rather fitting parallel to the current state of the world. Well sort of. The name of that project is called "Sides". So for any who are reading this perhaps they can help in my decision.
Also I have been distracting lately by a quaint little game called SPORE. While the game is not overly complicated in its execution, what does seem to take up most of my game playing time in a very good way is the customization of...well just about anything you can control in the game.
I picked up the game because I had a 5 buck coupon off for best buy that was about to expire.
So after coming home I installed it...7 hours later I found I had to pull my self way to catch some Z's before work. The thing is that a good chunk of the time was played not actually playing the game in which you make friends or conquer other spieces or cities on your planet but in making my creature building and vehicles. It is very impressive the actual amount of freedom you have in the creation process. You can literally make your creations look like just about anything.
Whats even more promising is the replayablity. Not only do you play against creatures and such that were created by the programmers of said game but the majority of what you play against is actually player created.
SPORE has this impressive system to where what you create in the game can be shared online and downloaded by anyone else who has the game. At current there are over 48 million different creations out there. So the likely hood of encountering something new everytime you play is imense.
I could just spend hours making stuff and not even playing the game. Anyway it was worth the money though it is yet one more distraction . I have too many interests.
Also I have been distracting lately by a quaint little game called SPORE. While the game is not overly complicated in its execution, what does seem to take up most of my game playing time in a very good way is the customization of...well just about anything you can control in the game.
I picked up the game because I had a 5 buck coupon off for best buy that was about to expire.
So after coming home I installed it...7 hours later I found I had to pull my self way to catch some Z's before work. The thing is that a good chunk of the time was played not actually playing the game in which you make friends or conquer other spieces or cities on your planet but in making my creature building and vehicles. It is very impressive the actual amount of freedom you have in the creation process. You can literally make your creations look like just about anything.
Whats even more promising is the replayablity. Not only do you play against creatures and such that were created by the programmers of said game but the majority of what you play against is actually player created.
SPORE has this impressive system to where what you create in the game can be shared online and downloaded by anyone else who has the game. At current there are over 48 million different creations out there. So the likely hood of encountering something new everytime you play is imense.
I could just spend hours making stuff and not even playing the game. Anyway it was worth the money though it is yet one more distraction . I have too many interests.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Customer Service And Someone owes me some time back
I often wonder exactly how I scored two customer service jobs in my life. Some would say I am a gluten for punishment while others would just complain about their shipment being wrong and want compensation.
By day I pilot an IT helpdesk and one or two nights a week, I take orders and such for a catalog company. During the holidays the hours increase but its only for a four week period and its worth it in the end. But during my time in such a position I have many a tale to tell. I am thinking of sharing them here but it is a tough decision because there are those horror stories of someone being fired for discussing their job on line. While I believe the likely hood of a hire up actually making it to my grain of sand on the beach of the Web 2.0 it does give me pause. So for now I will give you some healthy tips on what not to do when ordering over the phone. Should we meet in person I shall weave you a grand tale...or put it in a book and sell lol.
1. If you are ordering over the phone please please and did I mention please do not read numbers off in pairs. What I am refering too is the common practice of instead of reading a number like 5 3 4 2 1 2 0 1 like "5" "3" "4" etc it is read as "53" "42" "12" "oh 1" honestly this is not a football game and you are not a quarter back calling for a hike. While this may seem like it makes things easier it can make the person inputing the number pause in their typing and slow them down.
2. WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE DONE EATING BEFORE CALLING. Seriously you can wait the extra minute or two it takes to shove your third piece of Apple cake down your pie hole BEFORE calling. Same goes with Candy, Fruit, hell just about any thing that will cause you to make a smacking sound while talking...just finish before you call. I can't tell you how many times I get "Yeah ... I will take that in um in red " I can stand nails on a chalk board but that noise drives me up a wall. Just finish eating whatever it is you have in your mouth please.
3. HAVE YOUR ORDER READY. I don't care if this is the modern age where you can drive with your gentals while drinking you cafe mocha lot a fraking starbucks in one hand and receiveing a car fax in the other while on the phone with me asking for a shirt that needs to be monogramed over nighted by friggin concord jet to be delivered by tomorrow morning before asscrack of dawn because you forgot it was Easter. You don't have an item number, where you saw it but you knew it was blue and had buttons on it. Really wait before you get in the car or until you get home. That extra 20 mins or hour commute will not make much of a difference and you will be less likely to hit the car in front of you being driven by the guy who was watching porn on his small flat panel tv in his front seat while texting his girlfriend and tossing back a Bud Light.
This leads me to tip 4
4. OK everyone CHRISTMAS IS ON DECEMBER 25th EVERY FRAKING YEAR....and so is your childs birthday and your parents anniversary. I understand it can be confusing because that number date can land on a different named day like Monday or Tuesday or Caturday but it hasn't changed. Check a calendar. Why is this important because again you get someone who wants santa to fill his reindeer up with twelve cups of coffee and a case of Red Bull to get the gift they need to them by christmas...and your calling on Dec 24th. Or you need the birthday gift by tomorrow. Folks we have many calendars at our disposal, you can set your e-mail to remind you everyday a week before it occurs, if you don't know how ask a tech guy we would be happy to help. OR postit notes or here is a novel idea, why not set up a reminder on your phone. That way while your texting your friend in hawaii while you drive through a blizzard you will realize that the important day is coming up soon and you need to get that gift placed. Course you will have to make a small gift this year after paying for the accident that occured while telling your friend Aloha.
5. NO POOFDAs
OK so you can tell it hasn't been good day. Which means I am in a perfect mood to give you todays review from the b-horror world.
Any way on the chopping block today.
Johnny Sunshine
And now it is not a story about a happy go lucky guy named Johnny Sunshine who decides to go on a cross country trip to his grandmas cottage in Alaska. Along the way teaching everyone to see the world in a brighter light and solving the problems of everyone he meets. No its rather the name of a Rather attractive Zombie slaying drug addict who makes torture, porn, snuff short films for a company Max Productions during a post apocolyptic world where Zombies are everywhere.
Between this movie Bachelor Part at the Bungalow for the Damned And Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank I think Brain Damage pictures owes me about four hours of my life back.
Seriously why do these independent Underground Low Budget movies feel they have to take it to the next extreme level in order to be an "Underground" movie. Look I will say this that the audio was decent and the picture quality was good. The F/X were ok and the women were easy on the eyes. But even with all of those elements you need a decent story which this movie lacks.
It was almost as if the creators thought of all these cool torture porn scenes but needed a way to put them together in a story form to justify making them. Really I know I seem to jsut be setting my self up for dissapointment with movies from this company but I figured three time is a charm.
Dunno maybe the whole Idea of torture porn is not for me. Or maybe its just the fact that I like a little more coherence in my stories. IF you want to see a hot chick get off while disembowling men and women then go for it. While I comend them for doing alot as far as f/x , audio, video quality and even acting I would have wished they could have came up with a better story. Its a zombie movie that just didn't do it for me. Maybe it will for you but I would say only if you have alot of alcohol readily available. The run down will give you an Idea of what kind of movie your in for.
1 Death by gut stab
1 tongue removal by pliers while having sex
1 Death by wire choking
2 Throats eaten
2 Neck Stabbing
1 sex sceen with zombie with ending head bashing
1 Naked Girl killed by Crowbar sex
1 Zombie Castration by recipocating saw
2 Zombie deaths by being beaten in the head
1 Pipe to the head
1 rape scene
1 Death by Television
While it is the best out of the three movies I have seen from Brain Damage Pictures I would not recommend it for anyone who is not a fan of the EXTREME underground horror movie and torture porn.
PS Bacon Flavored SPAM is GOOOOOOOOOD.
Gives a new twist to the MONTY PYTHON SPAM sketch Eggs bacon-spam sausage and Spam.
By day I pilot an IT helpdesk and one or two nights a week, I take orders and such for a catalog company. During the holidays the hours increase but its only for a four week period and its worth it in the end. But during my time in such a position I have many a tale to tell. I am thinking of sharing them here but it is a tough decision because there are those horror stories of someone being fired for discussing their job on line. While I believe the likely hood of a hire up actually making it to my grain of sand on the beach of the Web 2.0 it does give me pause. So for now I will give you some healthy tips on what not to do when ordering over the phone. Should we meet in person I shall weave you a grand tale...or put it in a book and sell lol.
1. If you are ordering over the phone please please and did I mention please do not read numbers off in pairs. What I am refering too is the common practice of instead of reading a number like 5 3 4 2 1 2 0 1 like "5" "3" "4" etc it is read as "53" "42" "12" "oh 1" honestly this is not a football game and you are not a quarter back calling for a hike. While this may seem like it makes things easier it can make the person inputing the number pause in their typing and slow them down.
2. WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE DONE EATING BEFORE CALLING. Seriously you can wait the extra minute or two it takes to shove your third piece of Apple cake down your pie hole BEFORE calling. Same goes with Candy, Fruit, hell just about any thing that will cause you to make a smacking sound while talking...just finish before you call. I can't tell you how many times I get "Yeah ...
3. HAVE YOUR ORDER READY. I don't care if this is the modern age where you can drive with your gentals while drinking you cafe mocha lot a fraking starbucks in one hand and receiveing a car fax in the other while on the phone with me asking for a shirt that needs to be monogramed over nighted by friggin concord jet to be delivered by tomorrow morning before asscrack of dawn because you forgot it was Easter. You don't have an item number, where you saw it but you knew it was blue and had buttons on it. Really wait before you get in the car or until you get home. That extra 20 mins or hour commute will not make much of a difference and you will be less likely to hit the car in front of you being driven by the guy who was watching porn on his small flat panel tv in his front seat while texting his girlfriend and tossing back a Bud Light.
This leads me to tip 4
4. OK everyone CHRISTMAS IS ON DECEMBER 25th EVERY FRAKING YEAR....and so is your childs birthday and your parents anniversary. I understand it can be confusing because that number date can land on a different named day like Monday or Tuesday or Caturday but it hasn't changed. Check a calendar. Why is this important because again you get someone who wants santa to fill his reindeer up with twelve cups of coffee and a case of Red Bull to get the gift they need to them by christmas...and your calling on Dec 24th. Or you need the birthday gift by tomorrow. Folks we have many calendars at our disposal, you can set your e-mail to remind you everyday a week before it occurs, if you don't know how ask a tech guy we would be happy to help. OR postit notes or here is a novel idea, why not set up a reminder on your phone. That way while your texting your friend in hawaii while you drive through a blizzard you will realize that the important day is coming up soon and you need to get that gift placed. Course you will have to make a small gift this year after paying for the accident that occured while telling your friend Aloha.
5. NO POOFDAs
OK so you can tell it hasn't been good day. Which means I am in a perfect mood to give you todays review from the b-horror world.
Any way on the chopping block today.
Johnny Sunshine
And now it is not a story about a happy go lucky guy named Johnny Sunshine who decides to go on a cross country trip to his grandmas cottage in Alaska. Along the way teaching everyone to see the world in a brighter light and solving the problems of everyone he meets. No its rather the name of a Rather attractive Zombie slaying drug addict who makes torture, porn, snuff short films for a company Max Productions during a post apocolyptic world where Zombies are everywhere.
Between this movie Bachelor Part at the Bungalow for the Damned And Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank I think Brain Damage pictures owes me about four hours of my life back.
Seriously why do these independent Underground Low Budget movies feel they have to take it to the next extreme level in order to be an "Underground" movie. Look I will say this that the audio was decent and the picture quality was good. The F/X were ok and the women were easy on the eyes. But even with all of those elements you need a decent story which this movie lacks.
It was almost as if the creators thought of all these cool torture porn scenes but needed a way to put them together in a story form to justify making them. Really I know I seem to jsut be setting my self up for dissapointment with movies from this company but I figured three time is a charm.
Dunno maybe the whole Idea of torture porn is not for me. Or maybe its just the fact that I like a little more coherence in my stories. IF you want to see a hot chick get off while disembowling men and women then go for it. While I comend them for doing alot as far as f/x , audio, video quality and even acting I would have wished they could have came up with a better story. Its a zombie movie that just didn't do it for me. Maybe it will for you but I would say only if you have alot of alcohol readily available. The run down will give you an Idea of what kind of movie your in for.
1 Death by gut stab
1 tongue removal by pliers while having sex
1 Death by wire choking
2 Throats eaten
2 Neck Stabbing
1 sex sceen with zombie with ending head bashing
1 Naked Girl killed by Crowbar sex
1 Zombie Castration by recipocating saw
2 Zombie deaths by being beaten in the head
1 Pipe to the head
1 rape scene
1 Death by Television
While it is the best out of the three movies I have seen from Brain Damage Pictures I would not recommend it for anyone who is not a fan of the EXTREME underground horror movie and torture porn.
PS Bacon Flavored SPAM is GOOOOOOOOOD.
Gives a new twist to the MONTY PYTHON SPAM sketch Eggs bacon-spam sausage and Spam.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Trailer Parks of Terror...no I am not talking about McCain Supporters
So I was sitting there the other day thinking What is it about Wal Mart that makes it a void in time. Let me explain.
It seems like no matter what I go into that store for it takes at least a half hour before I am out of their. that is on a good day. Its not the cashiers cause they are rather fast. Its even faster with the self check out but for some reason time seems to speed up or some kind of temporal Anomaly. Man now I am starting to sound like a Star Trek episode. But it is with out fail one of the mysteries of the universe. Its not just time speeding up on ya that perplexes me about Wal Mart. Its also the size of its aisles. I mean the super Wal Mart here in the Booming metropolis of Cow Hump Wisconsin has aisle that can fit two and a half carts across, well most of the aisles. Anyway even with this in mind, there are still times when you end up crowded or waiting for some blue haired granny to make up her mind weather she wants the 8 oz tuna for 59 cents or the 7.5 oz packet of tuna for 58 cents. No of course I am kidding we all know Tuna hasn't been that price for a while. But point being you still end up waiting to make it down the aisle to buy your case of Ramen noodles.
My last statement may have answered the question of why it takes so long to get in and out of that store. Maybe my time lord friend can shed some light on it. BTW kids You weren't voting for one of the final three on American Idol....it was the President of America you voted on...in case you may have gotten confused. J/k enough rambling time to dig in an see whats on the chopping block today.
Why its none other than the recently released Hillbilly Zombie movie known as
The Trailer Park of Terror
My favorite blond Nichole Hiltz from All Souls day is back with a decent zombie film. This one had a decent budget, great makeup and a story even. She is joined by a cast made up of faces you may recognize. No A - list actors to be sure but ones who are no stranger to the silver screen. They do a great job of selling this film and you can tell they had fun. Look for Pricilla Barnes who I recognized from Devils Rejects. Even the guy who played the Joker's gopher man Bobby is in this film.
Now going into this film I did not expect much of anything so I was pleasently surprised by the quality of the film. It had a budget and you can tell. The movie in the begining makes a reference to 2000 Maniacs as a nod to the Hill Billy Zombie film that is still one of my top 10 faves. Trailer park handles itself well the pacing is decent and the effects and make up looked good. They even got Trace Adkins to play the devil of sorts. Where there are zombies there needs to be gore and this movie does not disappoint. The last half hour really moves the film along and by the end of the film you don't feel like you have just waisted 90 mins of your life....maybe only 55mins lol. The characters are a bit cliche but in lower budget horror you have to have this so you don't have to waist pesky time on "character development" who wants that in a zombie film.
All in all this movie was a pleasent surprise and I may buy it when I see it on the bargin bargin rack. BTW I actually saw this on the new release rack at Target next to Get Smart.
As always here is my run down of the film.
Gotta love the review of 2000 maniacs
Love a song with the words "I bet that bitch can turn a crank. Make a dead man cum like a sherman tank
1 death by impalement on an iron fence
Multiple gunshot deaths
27 years
1 rabbit guttin
1 beheading
1death by crushed sternum
1 Arm Decapitation
1 Death by intestine eaten
1 Death by Compressed air
Skined and cooked alive torture sceen
1 Vehicular Homicide.
ITs worth a rental or adrop in the que if your looking for some zombie entertainment. But if you do rent it you need to also rent 2000 Maniacs and even 2001 Maniacs to make it truely a Hillbilly hoe down of the Living Dead. Hey thats kinda catchy title.
It seems like no matter what I go into that store for it takes at least a half hour before I am out of their. that is on a good day. Its not the cashiers cause they are rather fast. Its even faster with the self check out but for some reason time seems to speed up or some kind of temporal Anomaly. Man now I am starting to sound like a Star Trek episode. But it is with out fail one of the mysteries of the universe. Its not just time speeding up on ya that perplexes me about Wal Mart. Its also the size of its aisles. I mean the super Wal Mart here in the Booming metropolis of Cow Hump Wisconsin has aisle that can fit two and a half carts across, well most of the aisles. Anyway even with this in mind, there are still times when you end up crowded or waiting for some blue haired granny to make up her mind weather she wants the 8 oz tuna for 59 cents or the 7.5 oz packet of tuna for 58 cents. No of course I am kidding we all know Tuna hasn't been that price for a while. But point being you still end up waiting to make it down the aisle to buy your case of Ramen noodles.
My last statement may have answered the question of why it takes so long to get in and out of that store. Maybe my time lord friend can shed some light on it. BTW kids You weren't voting for one of the final three on American Idol....it was the President of America you voted on...in case you may have gotten confused. J/k enough rambling time to dig in an see whats on the chopping block today.
Why its none other than the recently released Hillbilly Zombie movie known as
The Trailer Park of Terror
My favorite blond Nichole Hiltz from All Souls day is back with a decent zombie film. This one had a decent budget, great makeup and a story even. She is joined by a cast made up of faces you may recognize. No A - list actors to be sure but ones who are no stranger to the silver screen. They do a great job of selling this film and you can tell they had fun. Look for Pricilla Barnes who I recognized from Devils Rejects. Even the guy who played the Joker's gopher man Bobby is in this film.
Now going into this film I did not expect much of anything so I was pleasently surprised by the quality of the film. It had a budget and you can tell. The movie in the begining makes a reference to 2000 Maniacs as a nod to the Hill Billy Zombie film that is still one of my top 10 faves. Trailer park handles itself well the pacing is decent and the effects and make up looked good. They even got Trace Adkins to play the devil of sorts. Where there are zombies there needs to be gore and this movie does not disappoint. The last half hour really moves the film along and by the end of the film you don't feel like you have just waisted 90 mins of your life....maybe only 55mins lol. The characters are a bit cliche but in lower budget horror you have to have this so you don't have to waist pesky time on "character development" who wants that in a zombie film.
All in all this movie was a pleasent surprise and I may buy it when I see it on the bargin bargin rack. BTW I actually saw this on the new release rack at Target next to Get Smart.
As always here is my run down of the film.
Gotta love the review of 2000 maniacs
Love a song with the words "I bet that bitch can turn a crank. Make a dead man cum like a sherman tank
1 death by impalement on an iron fence
Multiple gunshot deaths
27 years
1 rabbit guttin
1 beheading
1death by crushed sternum
1 Arm Decapitation
1 Death by intestine eaten
1 Death by Compressed air
Skined and cooked alive torture sceen
1 Vehicular Homicide.
ITs worth a rental or adrop in the que if your looking for some zombie entertainment. But if you do rent it you need to also rent 2000 Maniacs and even 2001 Maniacs to make it truely a Hillbilly hoe down of the Living Dead. Hey thats kinda catchy title.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Historic night folks regardless of how you slice it
Yes folks. No matter who you vote for today and how it turns out you gotta respect the historic magnitude of tonight. I honestly did not think I would see before I hit retirement an african american nominated to be a presidential nominee,,,much less have a legitimate shot at winning. I am not being racist just going by the trend of America in the past. The fact that people are actually looking at the issues and where the candidates stand on them rather than just voting off the cuff I think is important. I think we as voters have decided to become smarter voters and it will change how we approach future elections.
So It will be an interesting night and I am off to glue my self to the reports and the web pages. It has been a long wait for tonight and I do not want to miss a min.
Sorry no movie review today. But it will be back tomorrow.
Until then We wait on pins and needles.
Tonight regardless you are right or left just enjoy being American. Its something special.
So It will be an interesting night and I am off to glue my self to the reports and the web pages. It has been a long wait for tonight and I do not want to miss a min.
Sorry no movie review today. But it will be back tomorrow.
Until then We wait on pins and needles.
Tonight regardless you are right or left just enjoy being American. Its something special.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Footballs and Tresspassers
I will be brief today but just wanted to comment about an interesting observation I have made. Now its something I mentioned in one of my first blogs but I think it is even more obvious in the current state of affairs in America. We have an election coming up and thanks to our party system we have a nation a bit divided on who should be president. But for a few hours each week this division takes a different form and on Sunday there is not Red Nation or Blue nation just the football nation. This can be said about all organized sports. You can have one group that is made up of devout democrates and one of Republicans in the same City BUT come Sunday that division disappears and both groups are Packer nation or Steelers Nation , etc. Same with Baseball or basketball, soccer, and on and on. People are joined together for a few hours in their life to rally behind their team. now sure you have the division of our team and their team but those teams are made up of a diverse group of people. That is an impressive thing. A powerful thing. Something that is special that we take for granted.
So remember that the next time you feel like bad mouthing that supporter of McCain or Obama, they are still your neighbor and it is likely that they are fans of the same team you are. So maybe they aren't as different as you are and deserve respect of their opinions. You may not agree with them but on Game day you both are cheering for your team. So at least thats one thing you got.
BTW also made a new Lonelytrooper for all to see. I got a bit political but the Video guy in me had to make some kind of video contribution no matter how small, to the political scene.
Check it out , you just might like it.
Anyway onward to the the review.
Tresspassers is a movie that was a bit surprising.
Now as always I was not expectin much for the film because then I am usually pleasently surprised, not so much with this one. Bunch of surfer dudes go to a remote beach to catch some narly waves and instead become zombie fodder. For a handy cam movie the quality of the video and audio were very good. It was had at time s to tell it was a handy cam shot film. well unless you focused on the cinematography. There was shaky cam and very quick pans where should have been hard cuts. Sure this can work for reality TV but this is a movie we are talking about. Anyway the story was interesting and the characters were entertaining enough to keep you watching, for the first 20mins. Then when we actually get to the horror and gore the movie falls flat. You don't see any real development in the characters and the one blatant male masturbation scene seemed to be just put in for shock value. The make up on the "Zombies" made them look as though they had a dirty face then actual decay. The gore affects where alright but I was expecting a bit more of it from a project of this nature. The run down is pretty week today
2 topless shots
Mutiple mutilated corpses
1 male masturbation scene.
2 zombie bites
thats about it. The killings were being done off camera or in a way that required very little FX which stylistically is kinda cool but if your going to do a movie like this then a little more on screen gore is required.
Pass this one up folks it was not worth the time.
So remember that the next time you feel like bad mouthing that supporter of McCain or Obama, they are still your neighbor and it is likely that they are fans of the same team you are. So maybe they aren't as different as you are and deserve respect of their opinions. You may not agree with them but on Game day you both are cheering for your team. So at least thats one thing you got.
BTW also made a new Lonelytrooper for all to see. I got a bit political but the Video guy in me had to make some kind of video contribution no matter how small, to the political scene.
Check it out , you just might like it.
Anyway onward to the the review.
Tresspassers is a movie that was a bit surprising.
Now as always I was not expectin much for the film because then I am usually pleasently surprised, not so much with this one. Bunch of surfer dudes go to a remote beach to catch some narly waves and instead become zombie fodder. For a handy cam movie the quality of the video and audio were very good. It was had at time s to tell it was a handy cam shot film. well unless you focused on the cinematography. There was shaky cam and very quick pans where should have been hard cuts. Sure this can work for reality TV but this is a movie we are talking about. Anyway the story was interesting and the characters were entertaining enough to keep you watching, for the first 20mins. Then when we actually get to the horror and gore the movie falls flat. You don't see any real development in the characters and the one blatant male masturbation scene seemed to be just put in for shock value. The make up on the "Zombies" made them look as though they had a dirty face then actual decay. The gore affects where alright but I was expecting a bit more of it from a project of this nature. The run down is pretty week today
2 topless shots
Mutiple mutilated corpses
1 male masturbation scene.
2 zombie bites
thats about it. The killings were being done off camera or in a way that required very little FX which stylistically is kinda cool but if your going to do a movie like this then a little more on screen gore is required.
Pass this one up folks it was not worth the time.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
This is halloween...well ok day after but close enough
Yes another Halloween has come and gone and now we are on the highway of the christmas blitz with a slight pit stop at Thanksgiving for a food break. The holiday season is a hectic time of year and this year will be even more so with the elections just around the corner.
Every year I watch Nightmare before christmas with my boys after trick or treating ...this year we had to cut it short because of a party they were invited to but none the less we watched most of it.
ON the whole it was a good Halloween. Thinking of the now classic Nightmare before Christmas I realized it could be used as a statement on what has been happening in retails stores for quite some time now. The fact that they put christmas decoration displays up next to Halloween displays. Just this last September I was thinking oh cool look they got the Halloween stuff out for sale and in the adjoining isle I was like Wow they have the Christmas stuff out for sale. Staring at the two isle next to each other I immediately thought of Nightmare before Christmas. I really think they need to hold off on the selling of christmas decorations until at least the last week in october if not until after Halloween. Its not like people aren't going to buy the shit still. Its christmas the grand holiday of consumerism. Many company make over half of thier YEARLY profit during this time of year. Its the time of year where people don't pay quite as much attention to their pocket book, lets face it people enjoy giving gifts. So its not like people will not buy, so why do the store feel so compelled to put this stuff out so early. Let the Holidays have their Day in the retail market and don't overlap them. Theres something just un natural about it. Now I am looking forward to the end of the month for that turkey dinner with all the fixins and then going out afterward to buy my Valentines day decorations.
But before we go....
Bay of Blood
This movie was quite impressive. The story is actually very complex for a movie that most people deemed as a Slasher movie. It doesn't have the normal feel of a slasher movie. It is more like a suspense thriller, now granted the deaths are very graphically portrayed in the film which is probably why this has earned the slasher label. The direction is very well done and the editing is very good too. The director keeps the movie moving and there are very few slow spots in the film. The director also does an excellent job of keeping you guessing until the third act who is the killer. There is also a mixture of techniques used in this film. In one section, instead of hard cuts the director went between scenes by going out of focus and then in focus. Giving a more fluid feel to the transitions than your normal hard cut or wipe. Also there is excellent use of POV to help build suspense and mystery in this "slasher" movie. The body count also does not dissapoint and the twists in the plot make you have to pay attention to what actually is going on or you risk getting lost. Lets just say that the neighbor hood around the Bay of Blood is very fatal to the residents there.
I LOVED the ending of this picture. It was an out of nowhere ended that was not seen coming by a long shot, pardon the pun. Lets just say the ending was not a Hollywood one. Now on to the run down, as always in honor of that fantastic critic Joe Bob Briggs:
1 Hanging
1 death by Knife stabbing,
1 completely naked female swimmer
1 Slash to the throat death
1 two for one death of a love making couple by spear
1 Machete to the Face.
1 Strangulation with a phone cord
1 Beheading
1 barehanded strangulation
1 death by spearing against the wall
1 death by scissors
Highly recommended. Not only because its an excellent movie but also to see where many of todays slasher movies got their influence. And an awesome ending.
Every year I watch Nightmare before christmas with my boys after trick or treating ...this year we had to cut it short because of a party they were invited to but none the less we watched most of it.
ON the whole it was a good Halloween. Thinking of the now classic Nightmare before Christmas I realized it could be used as a statement on what has been happening in retails stores for quite some time now. The fact that they put christmas decoration displays up next to Halloween displays. Just this last September I was thinking oh cool look they got the Halloween stuff out for sale and in the adjoining isle I was like Wow they have the Christmas stuff out for sale. Staring at the two isle next to each other I immediately thought of Nightmare before Christmas. I really think they need to hold off on the selling of christmas decorations until at least the last week in october if not until after Halloween. Its not like people aren't going to buy the shit still. Its christmas the grand holiday of consumerism. Many company make over half of thier YEARLY profit during this time of year. Its the time of year where people don't pay quite as much attention to their pocket book, lets face it people enjoy giving gifts. So its not like people will not buy, so why do the store feel so compelled to put this stuff out so early. Let the Holidays have their Day in the retail market and don't overlap them. Theres something just un natural about it. Now I am looking forward to the end of the month for that turkey dinner with all the fixins and then going out afterward to buy my Valentines day decorations.
But before we go....
Bay of Blood
This movie was quite impressive. The story is actually very complex for a movie that most people deemed as a Slasher movie. It doesn't have the normal feel of a slasher movie. It is more like a suspense thriller, now granted the deaths are very graphically portrayed in the film which is probably why this has earned the slasher label. The direction is very well done and the editing is very good too. The director keeps the movie moving and there are very few slow spots in the film. The director also does an excellent job of keeping you guessing until the third act who is the killer. There is also a mixture of techniques used in this film. In one section, instead of hard cuts the director went between scenes by going out of focus and then in focus. Giving a more fluid feel to the transitions than your normal hard cut or wipe. Also there is excellent use of POV to help build suspense and mystery in this "slasher" movie. The body count also does not dissapoint and the twists in the plot make you have to pay attention to what actually is going on or you risk getting lost. Lets just say that the neighbor hood around the Bay of Blood is very fatal to the residents there.
I LOVED the ending of this picture. It was an out of nowhere ended that was not seen coming by a long shot, pardon the pun. Lets just say the ending was not a Hollywood one. Now on to the run down, as always in honor of that fantastic critic Joe Bob Briggs:
1 Hanging
1 death by Knife stabbing,
1 completely naked female swimmer
1 Slash to the throat death
1 two for one death of a love making couple by spear
1 Machete to the Face.
1 Strangulation with a phone cord
1 Beheading
1 barehanded strangulation
1 death by spearing against the wall
1 death by scissors
Highly recommended. Not only because its an excellent movie but also to see where many of todays slasher movies got their influence. And an awesome ending.
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